How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
