I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
