i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
