True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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