I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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