When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
