it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Randomize
