How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
