are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
