I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
