if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
