i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
