mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
