I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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