Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
