If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
