why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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