So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
