I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
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