The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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