i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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