Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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