cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
