Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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