OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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