Just mADE A PArabola og urine
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
