I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
