I smell stomach acid.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
