im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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