Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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