proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
