My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
