Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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