now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
