ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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