I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
