I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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