to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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