you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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