you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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