I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
