He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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