just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
