I looked at my own cervix.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
