Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
