if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
