can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
