I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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