Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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