I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
