I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
