did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
