insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
