I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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