just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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