bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
