I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
