I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
