This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
