Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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