I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize