i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
