Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize