I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
