meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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