I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
